秋. 智勋. 信. 韩.

Names

2011-11-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

If I had a kid or two, I'd name him

Samuel

Callum

Kayden

cuz it's gotta be a boy.

Ok, girl would be Joan.

寄人篱下

2011-10-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

堂姐的孩子们都寄人篱下。早前有在大姐的谈吐中注意到多少的不满和抱怨，虽然没有明显地说出口，身为过来者的我了解那不可说出口的抱怨。那应该感激却不是的无奈。

虽然我的故事过去了，今天有了机会跟老二和小三谈起这事。他们也同感深受。他俩虽然微笑着说道那些‘有趣的故事’，从眼神里有着无奈和抱怨。他们还小，没有发言权，也不能为自己的住宿安排作决定。他们还乖也孝顺，不能埋怨…… 他们无助，我也。

快结束吧，这不快乐的故事。

星座密语

2011-10-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

狮子座在受压的时候表面很正常什么都不说，其实心里一直在忍，一直在累积不满，当到了TA承受不了的地步，就会不顾一切逃开不管，而且是逃得老远。别人会觉得突然，因为他们看不到狮子的伪装，不懂狮子一直的隐忍，同时也一直在盘算着什么时候不再忍下去。

沉默，是一只狮子最大的哭声。狮子有心事后，不想多说，感觉说话很累，或许是习惯了沉默，习惯了痛，习惯了安静。当一只狮子不理你的时候，其实TA已经受伤很深

狮子座很开朗，不开心的时候就会故意隐藏自己，只是想让自己显的更独立更坚强；
狮子座很敏感，看似什么都不计较，不细心，其实是在包容对方，所以会假装什么都不知道；
狮子座很现实，很正义，最讨厌软弱拖拉的人，更讨厌自以为是的人；
狮子座不善表达自己的情感，所以常常用沉默取代表达

狮子座最爱面子，最重朋友，也非常爱吃醋。他们很少让别人看到自己悲伤的一面，所以别人可能都以为狮子座很快乐，但其实狮子座不想在乎自己的人担心自己，有不开心的事都喜欢憋在心里。狮子很疼爱很在乎自己的另一半，温柔但有点神经大条的他们有时会导致另一半觉得他们不够体贴。

其实狮子座都很重感情。只要他真心认定的朋友，他都会真心对待；
其实狮子座都爱恨分明。他非常清楚自己爱什么不爱什么，绝不会三心二意；
其实狮子座很害怕失败。即使他表现出来给别人看的都是强悍的一面；
其实狮子座都很会伪装自己。往往在他坚强的外表下隐藏着一颗害怕受伤的心。

狮子座的自己，时常会因为一个人的一句话就整夜失眠琢磨，可是却从不曾因为一个人的一句话就被打败。
狮子座的自己,可以看着喜欢的人转身离开,却不肯开口挽留。
狮子座的自己，可以面对喜欢的人,却绝口不提喜欢。
狮子座的自己，害怕孤独，好想依赖人，却从来不曾真的去依赖，因为害怕受伤，而且已习惯独立跟孤独。

狮子独自一人的时候会迷茫拿著手机不知道做什么。狮子和不熟悉的人在一起很斯文不说话，会给人很好的感觉。但一熟悉起来你会发现狮子的单纯和没有长大的心、却又爱玩什麼都敢尝。狮子懒的连下楼买早餐都嫌烦。房间永远乱乱的却给人舒适感。好好珍惜身边的狮子。只因他们太单纯

1、喜欢一个人安静的聆听单曲循环一首很伤感的音乐；
2、喜欢自由，不受拘束；
3、喜欢数字7；
4、喜欢黑色白色紫色蓝色；
5、很喜欢观察生活；
6、做错事之后会总结教训；
7、喜欢哲学，心理学还有地理；
8、很在乎别人的态度；
9、不会轻易吐露自己的心事；
10、从不认输。

吃软不吃硬；
经常口是心非；
很乐观又很悲观；
缺乏安全感；有点感性；
有些话即使害怕错过也不说；
常常被人骗；
小敏感；小洁癖；
豆腐心，易心软；害怕受伤；
总说自己不孤单，其实很寂寞；
对陌生人冷冷的，熟悉后就嘻嘻哈哈；
总表现的很坚强，其实很软弱；
总被人误解，却不愿解释

【我是狮子座怎么呢】
1.有点抗拒别人接近；
2.爱纠结，不达目的过十年都不甘心；
3.容易喜欢上一个人，也容易厌烦；
4.爱的纯粹，不想保留；
5.讨厌束缚，喜欢自由；
6.极其讨厌虚伪、欺骗；
7.铁齿有主见，比较相信眼见为实；
8.有时候说话很毒；
9.偏执、敏感、隐忍；
10.靠感觉交朋友；
11.耐心只表现在非常喜欢的人或物上。

请不要忽略狮子座，因为狮子是最好的聆听者，他们会是你最好的朋友；
请不要忽略狮子座，因为狮子害怕孤独，一个人的角落里伤感的情绪会被无限的放大，他们需要关心，虽然他们自己有时足够的强大；
请不要忽略狮子座，因为这是对狮子最大的伤害。请记得，狮子虽冷傲，却也渴望天空

狮子座是一个矛盾的星座。也许她会在人多的地方很开朗，话很多。但是一旦一个人的时候，她就会变得无比安静，并且开始想一些有的没的。甚至有时候还会没心没肺的大哭一场。

狮子座的人喜欢热闹，但是也很享受孤独，他可以把这两者之间搞得很平衡，他喜欢跟朋友一起疯狂的玩闹，但回到家里就立马变得异常安静，不喜欢被打扰，他需要自己的空间来思考，如对他步步紧逼，那么他一定会抓狂、不可理喻，还会离开你，因为在狮子的字典里，“自由、自我”这两词几乎占据了全部

狮子座的人若然真的不想恋爱，是在等待那一位当全世界都看到ta笑得没心没肺的时候还能知道ta的心已经痛得无法呼吸的人。等待那一位了解ta虽可以在键盘上给你打去了大大咧咧的“哈哈”，可能已经在荧幕前哭得撕心裂肺的人。狮狮不过在等比懂得珍惜ta的笑更是懂得ta的伪装的人。

狮子座不爱说话，外表冰冷高傲，让人无法接近；

狮子座似乎是天生的悲观主义者，因为理性的完美主义而瞻前顾后；

狮子座总是低头默默地自卑，却永远没有害人的勇气；

狮子座绝对不会在你困难的时候离你而去，会坚强的陪你度过难关；

狮子座在面对痛苦挫折的时候，往往勇敢得令人佩服。

2011-07-14T01:21:00.001-07:00

I er. Believed.

I saw the ad on the newspapers and was so happy. They offer working opportunities to Korea. I called in front of the colleagues after so many days of collecting courage what not. all ended in jumping aeroplane. I was extremely ashamed. My cheeks/head flushed. Felt amazingly stupid though I sensed something wrong in the beginning. But still. Stupid.

이상형

2011-07-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

My favorite lady in the Fei Cheng Wu Rao match making show has left with the Korean man, quite romantic and touching encounter I suppose.

Of all the 24 ladies on stage, I realized I like her most because of her always smiling sweet expression, and her wise expressions and explanations of many situations and people. She's a capable woman who runs her own business, yet is nice and approachable.

I guess that's why I liked her, for she is who I wish to be, classy, capable, approachable and wise. All which I am nothing near just yet. She's 29, a little old to start match making but she's everything I would want to be .... =)

time and secrets

2011-07-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

As time passes, more and more traits and habits we see. The intern is now half confirmed I dare say. Just because there's no other better candidate to be chosen from.

Many may not understand why I want to pop in and be there during classes, but I know that if I'm not there, things may be worse, for the lesson plans are not planned, children do not learn what is taught in 5 minutes quickie. More than half of the time is used for nothing-ness, meaningless nothing-ness. How can I let this happen?

As for cleaning, it's clear that the intern is a princess who has never really dealt with young children before, for she repels diapers, saliva, any bodily liquids, or any thing messy at all. That's not a good sign.

Regarding willingness to try, I have seen her reluctance to go near and intimate with the children, she has never held a child up, hugged or want to go close any child. And I thought it would fade as time passes, but no, it didn't. She wants the easy way out of things, to sit out there and do the perceive-ingly easy job which she is not doing a god job of.

I told her off, about the seatbelts and about the reception duty this morning. Not in a harsh way, but could the message could have been stronger. I have used the friendly way many times enough, but she's either not getting it, or just doesn't wanna do it. Today I caught her putting on seatbelt for a kid, without following the safety regulations. It annoyed and angered me for a moment, how can she neglect a child's safety?
I admit I'm a little envious over her take-over of the pick-up and drop-off task, but I understand the reasons behind it and didn't want to fuss. I admit I started doubting her driving skills and all, but that went over. She's just too over today, with the seatbelt, and driving off without checking if the other kid has put seatbelt on. Maybe she doesn't realize, she's not showing a good example in putting on seatbelts, like many of our fellow countrymen are.

My anger is lit up, more as I finally realize her negligence and laziness in treating the kids. More when the fellow colleague started to comment that the intern has left the child in stained clothings, and since the intern is under me it made me look so bad and incompetent.

Sigh, somehow this is just a rant, with a secret wish that she won't be hired, for she will damage the reputation of the school. And me too.

Things are never left un-weird

2011-06-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

It was just last night that she started sharing with me what she really thought about the boss. I could see her point of view.

Sometimes I don't have anything to say to her, but she always has lots of things to say. Sometimes when I have something to share, I wouldn't find a suitable gap to interrupt her train of speech. She's not my cup of tea as a friend. As a superordinate she's just fine though. She's a great colleague to have except for the fact that she leaves early sometimes.

Perhaps her point of view is different than mine, perhaps she gets flexi hours from the boss or something. It's weird knowing that her shift is from 9am to 6pm, but she leaves early, way early for her own activities. She goes to the bank, then shopping. She leaves early at 5+. I wonder if the boss knows and allows this to happen.

Work mumbles

2011-06-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you would wish people can talk faster, and go straight to the point. *bored*

Delegation is great, but sometimes I felt that it is pushing tai chi instead of delegation.내가 분명히 말했다, 왜 부모님 앞에 난간 줘?

그 일은 내가 한거야, 왜 니꺼됐니?

Somehow it's different from my principals and beliefs. But what are belief and principles at the name of company policy?

I'm glad I stood up, for I was frustrated, not by that matter, but by your slow speech. I felt I have saved the colleagues from further drag and boredom.

Making a difference

2011-04-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

With great power to make a difference comes great responsibilities.

There is a special kid in our school. Well technically speaking, all kids are special in their own way, but this kid is labeled special by the society because the society is a mean collective mechanism. The kid doesn't talk, doesn't play with other kids, doesn't listen to the teachers, but pretty much lives in his own world for most of the time. He doesn't have much expression, except for occasional crying or smiling, he pretty much doesn't express at all.

Today is waterplay day. The kid didn't pack a towel to school so the kid didn't get to play, for the school doesn't provide (or even have) extra towels, and sharing of towels are not allowed for hygiene purposes. When the parent came to pick the kid up, the parent was upset that the kid wasn't allowed to play in the water just because there was no towel. I tried to reason with the parent asking how can the kid wipe dry if there is no towel, but the parent wasn't satisfied that the child could not participate in the kid's favourite activity.

The parent carried the kid up, and almost immediately felt that the kid was having a fever. The teacher reported that the kid fell asleep riding the toy car in the hall (which is also part of the kid's classroom) earlier just now. The parent was furious. The parent's face expressed disgust and extreme disappointment in the teachers ability to take care of the kid. The teacher tried to explain that the kid was fine when he came in. But the parent was still very worried about the kid.

Later, a big hoo-ha came up, having a relative of the kid calling the principal demanding a reasonable explanation of why the kid didn't get to play in the water, and why the teachers did not realize the kid was having fever.

From the teachers' perspective, the kid hardly goes near anyone, or let anyone go near him without making a fuss. Plus the kid isn't expressive, the teachers doesn't know that the kid was feeling unwell. Moreover, it is a school, teachers don't go around hugging every kid every 5 minutes, it is very hard to know if the kid is having fever if the kid doesn't act weird or cry or tell. The teachers did try to persuade him to go sleep inside the classroom, but as usual the child refused anything.

Perhaps on the parents' point of view those are just excuses. For the parents entrust the school to take good care of the kid and educate the kid while he is there, it seems rather ridiculous that no one in the school knows that the child is having high fever. How could the teachers let my child sleep on a toy car in the hall? Never to forget how can the teachers conveniently excuse him from water play just because he doesn't have a towel? He fussed all morning to put on his swim suit, and it was his favourite activity, one of the very few things that he actually would join willingly.

So that's the controversial. The parents and family are making a big fuss out of it, not forgetting to mention that the teachers do feel bad about it although there is nothing they can do about it now, for they have tried their best in accommodating all the children.

I have once seen a saying that said something like this:
Your child may mean the world to you, but in school I have a dozen of kids in my world.
It's true, though I wasn't a teacher that time, I understood the logic behind it. At home your only child gets your 100% attention (though many don't give their 100% I believe), but in school, the teacher pays 101% attention to everyone in the class, and when divided by the number of children in the class, there is only so much they can get. And even if your child is the teacher's pet, the teacher still will pay attention to other kids; not that I'm advocating for favourites now. Get the logic?

Sometimes bad things happen, kids get sick, kids fall down, kids fight with each other, one kid blurt out a bad word and all the other kids learn it incidentally, things happen and it's not the teacher or the school to blame.

Though I'm speaking from the teacher's point of view, I understand where parents come from, but I too understand where teachers come from. And it's not easy being a teacher. That's why I think it's a good idea for parents to come in to assist the teacher, then the parents would know how different every child is, and how difficult it is to handle all of the children at once.

JGC

2011-04-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

Can't believe I still have the pix on my wallpaper, the faces of the smiley kids in happy times. Perhaps that's a very significant time of my life. Or it may just mean that I am not that much into changing wallpapers anymore.

Somehow the kids there were happy. No threats, no scoldings unless absolute necessary. What was right over there? And what is wrong over here? I don't understand, something big is missing here... Do I long to go back there in search of what is right? I doubt it seeing the new location of it is going to be near the monster's house. But I could see me grow so much more over there than here. At least in the teaching and managing sector, not the marketing ones.

I don't know. ..

EMO PMS SHIT

2011-03-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm super emotional now. The kids are monsterous, difficult to handle, not eating his damn food! Gosh no thank goodness for stupid parents who can't do basic parenting. What's the point of having so much money when not having common sense? Spoiling the kid, then cannot handle anymore pay for teachers to kill their own cells. When I have my own school I wanna be the principal, and only the principal can hit any kid with a good valid reason. If cannot hit your kid then cannot enrol in my elite school.

These days the teachers and aunties are giving me that look that despises me. I don't know what I did, but this school sucks! The students and parents are smart and great, but the school system and syllabus and everything sucks. I try my best, but if that best is better than you and you're not happy about that, it just means you're a sore loser who doesn't even wanna try.

I know the patterns, he who spoils his kid here and there. So much for not wanting special treatment, she is getting it alright. She who tries but not hard enough, blaming it on the environment and the kids. She who passes judgements more quickly and typical than anyone, and is not afraid of voicing it. And she who is more emotional than I am, pushing me jobs and cutting me off, intimidating me but not everyone else.

I am mad that I have no control over so many things, and gets blamed for every imperfection there is. Somehow I have no power but all the responsibility and blame comes to me me me. The boss is like Vulgar in House. He doesn't know how to do the work, but wants everyone to listen to him. Parenting 1 or 2 is different from teaching 3 or 4 or more. He wants the best, but doesn't wanna give in anything. What is this? How can you get quality when you get everything the cheapest? Good things come with a price, and it's usually high.

I think I'm gonna leave. I don't know. I wanna go to another place with better benefits and people. I miss JGC which promised to underpay me. The people there are cheerful and helpful and wonderful. The boss is intimidating, but which boss isn't? At least she has experience and know what she's talking about. She knows the school like the back of her hands, and she knows what she talks about. Teachers teach and don't do other crazy monkey business like marketing or calling up people to get them enrol in our school. I don't wanna get promoted to be principal in a lousy school, I wanna be a small teacher in a great school. Because my sense of identity comes from the quality of the school, not the pay or the fake fame of the school. I feel proud knowing that I'm in a good company even if others don't know.

I like the kids here, but sometimes parents and the boss wants me to change them into perfect little prefects, but there's too little I can do in my power to change them...

Things left unsaid

2011-02-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

There are things that I observe, which I don't know if I should say anything. After all I'm the youngest with least experience, plus still new.

I saw the differential treatment. I can't remember by who to whom, but there was.

Jeff is ok when we're one on one, but he's not kind when there are others around. I tried to talk to him about changing schools, and he seemed really upset about it he looked teary eyed. I consoled him and reassured him that we all love him, I just hoped he understood it. I tried to tell the teacher but she was too judgmental to understand, perhaps she doesn't understand the pain of changing to a whole new environment.

D is judgmental and loves to reinforce her opinion. I noticed her opinions stay one-sided and stubborn sometimes.

M is not as dedicated as I thought, but perhaps he's just surviving. I don't wanna judge just yet just in case I'll turn that in time to come due to the situations.

S is weird. At times I think she tries hard, at times she just seems so lazy. Of course, I'm a lazy person, but at least I try to be hardworking.

C is dedicated I think. Never really seen her in class though.

-----

I realize my approach is not working. Standing and yelling is better than going next to the kid and hold their hands. But the kids seems to like that, because they can just shake me away.

-----

I've never really thought of that far, to suck up the parents. M told me to talk to the parents more so that they would mention my name to the boss and leave a happy impression to the boss; and I saw how S does it even though she is not as good to the kids. It seemed so unnecessary, it seemed so fake, like we're communicating with the parents not for the sake of their kids but for ourselves. I didn't know how else to respond except to just sit and smile and nod.

People are not always what they seem they are, are they? Humans are complicated creatures...

Avoiding

2011-02-21T23:39:00.001-08:00

I see how I push people away. I know Vinnie is going to leave, I distanced myself from him. I blame him for not being close to me the next time. He still likes me but deep down I'm pushing him away from me. I see how my pattern is. That's why people go away from me, I push them away.

I can't believe I'm a psych major and still be so typical. I wanna break the pattern. Let it be the last meeting or let him not remember me next time, I will do my my best and love and have fun with me no matter what every single time.

I'm happy with working here

2011-02-13T23:01:00.001-08:00

but I still wanna go Korea some day soon...

Traveling

2011-02-08T23:14:00.003-08:00

I can't, I don't wanna do this anymore. Traveling is crazy. It's worse than being in KL.
I'm going to move. To a brighter house with clean water.

Telling Right

2011-02-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

It seems the brother tells right and wrong as much as I do.
That's one good thing bout our parenting, we know right from wrong, and we choose the right. Times when we don't do the right, we feel guilty as hell and try to justify it, yet we know we're wrong.

1st day

2011-02-07T03:52:00.000-08:00

So this is my first day. Not too exciting, not too bad. It's the day after the long CNY break, not many kids are here, and most kids are a little carried away with the holiday mood... That's the thing with preschoolers and elementaries, once they go for holidays, they're always on holidays.

It started really early in the morning, so early it couldn't be earlier. It started out great, from the birthday chart there's this boy who shares the same birth date as mine, he didn't appear particularly eye-catching at first, but oh boy he's my follower now. Haha, somehow he just likes me more than the other kids like me, not that they don't. =)

I got a red packet from a colleague! So much for the best of luck on the first day of work. LOL. Colleagues are rather smiley, though not talkative kind; plus lunch time is separated, so there is not togetherness whatsoever. I'd prefer them with more auntieness, then they'll gossip and ask me things and include me in their conversations (if any), then I'll feel closer to them. But oh well, everyone's the quiet type too bad.

The boss speaks rather weird English. I think she might be a Chindian I don't know. She speaks like a Chinese but she doesn't quite look like Indian as well, maybe she is Chinese. Or a mix, or just happens to go to Kebangsaan school which teaches rather sucky English for a start. And it's not great when she whose English is slightly not as good as mine tells me not to speak broken English to the children. Hello? The entire school speaks broken English to each other.

Somehow I feel I'm weak. It's the first day of work, there's no way I can be loud and whatever not, but kids take weaklings for granted, really. They get all squirmy and walk about the room and it's really hard to tell if they're hard to control or holiday mood or just hate me as this is only the first encounter.

For one hour I had to handle two kids below 3, both not verbal yet, so I thought it would be fun. Turns out one was so quiet he ignores most of what I do or say, while the other just wanna cry his heart out and let his mucus flow all over the place. Boy that kid can flow. It was the most tiring 50 minutes ever, until the last 10 when I had to get them to clean up the toys. Gosh. I hold one boy's hand to pick up and put it to its place while the other empties another basket of toys. *faint* I was literally running all over the room trying to beat the two from pouring all the toys off the shelves.

Gah I'm loving the kids but the working hours is crazy long, plus there is not much fun interactions with the adults around here. perhaps I'm new. I feel like a total spy, prying on the innocent teachlings... Are they being discriminated and glass-ceiling-ed because they don't have degrees? That's so sad. But it's true that the school is very new and so are the teachers. I see how the teacher back down and give so much leeway when the kids wanna do as they please. Perhaps she was just testing me I don't know. I miss JGC, it's so well established and the teachers are so gossipy, and there are so many children in the class plus they're all so well controlled. But I can't compare, can I? I keep on comparing the whole morning and I felt unfair that they're being put down by something so well established.

Yet again the school has award winning syllabus and systems should be working great. But oh no. I don't know, but something is somehow off..

System and syllabus wise, the PG1 is way overestimating the toddlers who can barely speak. Plus what fun is it to have a class of 1 or 2 people? There should be some minimum number of pupils before a class can be opened, the school can manage this kinda tarik harga-ness.

Teachers wise, they're not that prepared, even for small classes. They're not well trained on more specific things and are not that creative in teaching methods. Go with the flow, discuss on what interests the child. Plus most if not all of the teachers are chinese ed, more or less the teaching methods are quite chinese-ed, aka boring, dull and kayu.

The topics for all age groups are similar, not really surprised. As this is a play based concept, I personally think it is good for the younger kids, but as for kindies, it's not that helpful for the transition to the elementary. Perhaps play based is another excuse to be slacking on the teacher's side? I don't see that much of playing in the classrooms though. The teaching syllabus are lacking quite a bit, and it's not building the kids enough unlike JGC who builds them on their speaking, questioning and creativity, this is just lacking still. however, this is just the observation from the first day.

-----

There's this lady who look so like the auntie at the monster's house. Whom jeling at me and ignored me but asked me to buy things for her. Their faces are so similar I wanted to punch her in the face so much. Plus she looks so annoyed all the time it makes it harder for me to not hate her. It's lie a totla image of her. But she's a nice teacher, kinda a softie weakling on the sad side...

Knowing

2011-02-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

As I spent some time knowing more about JiKor, I learned that she's not as bad as I thought.
As I spent lotsa time knowing the monsters, I learned that they're not as good as I thought.
I just wanna know in moderation to be able to love everyone, be neutral away from hatred.

Knowing too much kills me, for I'm still now a overly judgmental person. I wanna be more non-judgmental. Please help me.

Condition

2011-02-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

I'm frustrated of how I am conditioned to feeling certain emotions to certain people. Whenever I see grandpa I don't feel love or respect, but as a stranger who just comes in and out of my life. I think of pain and humiliation and unloved when I see or think of Yen and the past. It was just one incident and that's it all which stained her relationship with me. I see her through negative lens ever since.

I hated my rage and negativity when I saw the monster and the family. They're not doing anything to me, but yet I feel negative and timid as soon as I see or hear about them. Thoughts of them still come in once in a while, and I still feel negative about it, which I dont like.

Last night I saw how the little boys were playing with each other throwing firecrackers at each others' feet. Zhen, B, WeiQuan and the baby. I hated them. I hated their stupid parents with stupid parenting. When B whom I adore a lot was in the gang I couldn't help but judge him so negatively. Then the police came and threaten to arrest the boys. The brother was in it, but how I saw the baby ran for his life not bothering to go alert the adults to save the others, I hated him even more. How could the family encourage his cowardness and uselessness. I hated them with the firecrackers for a moment I just wanted to leave them to the police themselves. I didn't tell the adults as I was told. I wanted them to suffer from fear. Yet they didn't, they didn't learn their lesson that firecrackers are dangerous and illegal. The baby was sour grapes about other people being able to play while he couldn't. For that moment I wished the firecrackers would blow up and destroy his useless body, and teach the parents a good lesson.
I hated the kid, I hated the parents.

Many times I wished the stay didn't happen so I wouldn't have such strong negative emotions directed at everyone of them. But it happened. I wanna be non-judgmental and be neutral about them whom now I only see once a year, but I still can't. Perhaps this is going to be a long battle between me and myself...

I wanna make it a point, to recondition myself to feeling neutral. I wanna make it a point to be non-judgmental, but I'm very very judgmental by nature. I wanna more in control of my temper, my negative thoughts and hurtful words, there are so many to change of me. I can just start somewhere...

Choices

2011-01-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Choice of between dream and family

To achieve my dream happily is to go away from the family
To choose family is to give up the dream
Salary wise I think I'm fine with both sides, since I am able and after all, much seeked after. I admit that I'm a little vain at this.

So what now. I have two interviews lined up this week, one dream job and another dreading job. Dream job is far away from the family while the dreading job is so close. Both pays almost the same I dare say, location wise.

I have this concern. The brother will be leaving to overseas next year. The occasional weekend get together meal is as rare as it is now, I don't wanna not have it all year round. Though we don't talk much or just stay in each other's room all day, being there, with each others' presence it felt cozy and nice. We are not bugging into each others' life, yet we're in it. Somehow I love this feeling.

Times I am envy that the brother is closer to the sister. We talk of more serious stuff, studies, photography, this and that, but they, they make fun of each other and know each other so much better than I do of both of them added up together. I feel so lacking and out of place.

These days I'm so angry at everyone and everything. Somehow I'm making people repel me so that I can have a better excuse to leave. I don't know. I really don't know what I really want. I want the mother to stay out of my business and let me decide on my own. But.. I don't know.

离乡背井

2011-01-15T04:58:00.000-08:00

因为离乡背井是寂寞的。
钱赚得多又怎么样，我的家人和爱的人们都在此啊
离乡了4年的我了解家与家人的重要性
但我也知道放弃理想是多么愚蠢的事

也许几年后我便会有成就
在家乡开始企业

不过现在的我
想追逐梦想，几年后才能与家人共享梦想……

job

2011-01-10T21:19:00.000-08:00

i know if i go straight for a pre-school it would reflect bad on my family. after all everyone anyone can be in a kindergarten, the pay is so low it wouldn't matter. my family wants me to go into big corporations and earn big money. I wanna earn big money too, but i don't wanna give up my dreams and passion.

i just wanna support myself and my family, i don't need endless supply of money, i need satisfaction and ability to support myself, as well as some time that i can spend with the people i care for.

Family

2011-01-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

After graduation, grandma came to talk to me about starting my own family, getting a good friend and married.. which was weird. But I saw this coming and was prepared since... some time ago. I'm the eldest in her family, I wouldn't wanna blame her for putting hopes for me to give her great grandchildren.

The other day when the 3 of us slept in the same room I expressed my current goal to get a job, as well as the laziness around it. The brother said, "If you don't wanna get a job, get a husband." and he suggested the name of the tour leader we just met a few days ago. I understood that he liked the guy a lot, but well, let's say I have not not considered any possible guys around. But he's too old...

The other day they saw my wall paper of the kids from JGC and mum joked that I would have a lot of kids later. She suggested 12 kids, one from each year of the chinese zodiac. weird. but I didn't wanna eliminate the possibility that she is hinting she wants many.

Yesterday during our car ride Jo suddenly asked if I have a boyfriend. That was when I asked her back, when she expressed that she realized that family was the most important when she was heartbroken. I didn't ask anymore as we were arriving at home.

Am I being paranoid or are people starting to expect something? I never dared to express that it is not my life goal to get married, and I don't plan to have my own babies, but to adopt. Lately I've been eyeing for potential guys, but I'm confused. I thought I never wanted to. I punish myself for being hiao. Am I conforming to the society or am I changing from within? But I know everything is for selfish reasons. I want someone to lean on, someone to support me and give me the money to feed the kids that I want to have. I never wanted to give to anyone at all, for I am a stingy person.

I want a job, for my family to be. I want a lot of money for my kids which will be a lot... Im a family person after all... I wanna be independent for I know I won't trust. I wanna have my own family, on my own...

For the Love for people

2011-01-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

On the trip I saw people who really enjoyed working with people and they really do care.

The tour leader who learned our names in less than 5 days and took the initiative to know everyone personally, even though knowing that we're most probably not going to see each other again. But it's the thought that matters, wanting to know people and enjoy being with people. I guess that's why he chose the job, he could know a lot and a lot of people in a very short period of time...

The air steward who cared so much for the sister as she wasn't feeling well. He made sure she was fine, and his face showed genuine concern. Everything was made to ensure she was fine, food, drinks, hot towels, cold towels, bags and more napkins, even to drinks and inhalers. Before during and after the flight took off he made sure she was fine.

For the love of working with people, wanting to know them and making sure that they're alright... Am I in for the job?

Sharing

2010-12-30T22:29:00.001-08:00

YanLing sent this to me. A few links to a buddhist website's videos and the message below:

只是想让你认识认识。

希望可以帮助你对你的人生做出适合自己的决定。

像你这样坚持自己的人，对一些对的事那么坚持的人，我只认识一个，真的很难得。

我常自愧不如。惭愧！若为了一些东西而放弃一些坚持，我真的觉得很可惜。

饥饿不是因为没有，而是因为有贪，有还想要的感觉。

痛苦不是因为人事物，而是因为我在意。

I never knew she sees me as such, a person who stands for what I believe it. Perhaps she knows I'm struggling, and confused. Somehow it felt like she knows like I am doubting myself, and my choices, on the verge of giving up my dreams. I don't know. But it was a good reflection and reminder to me, to be firm and defend what I believe in...

Privacy

2010-12-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

Having Em and ChiaChee around in the holidays means having a merrier house. Yet it meant more noise from the computer speakers while we're watching the TV, and someone or two watching and giving comments as I unpack and pack.

It felt the same, like I was at the house. Having people watching me strip my assets for them to see. No privacy, no ownership, it was like I have to explain and surrender everything to them. Perhaps I'm a person with lots of secrets, I need lots of me-time and my personal space. Even the most silliest object I do not wish to let anyone see. Perhaps I'm not confident in why I'm keeping that thing, perhaps I know it's not the best choice to keep it, or am I just being too mindful of what people might possibly think of me.

Being here let me relax. I be whatever I want to be, I lie on the couch, I go on the floor, I eat between meals, I skip meals, I bathe at odd hours, I watch TV and just have the computer turned off. I be. I talk or be quiet as I wish...I am me, I feel that I can be me more than I can be when I was there. Yet something doesn't feel right.

lipstick

2010-12-14T18:40:00.002-08:00

Mum was telling me to get a lip gloss or something for the job interview, and perhaps work. I went to the store and had a glance at the rack. I asked myself if I really needed it. For the most part I think I'll just use it once or twice during the interview and chuck it aside to rot ever after. I wondered why I was doing that, conforming to the society's expectations to 'make up' and wear suits to interview at large corporations... I asked Kathleen's opinion in the type of lip gloss for she's more expert than I am. She suggested lipstick because lip gloss is supposedly colorless. I didn't want no auntie lipstick, which then I decided that I would be me, just comfortable being me and who cares if the company doesn't want me? I'll just work in my ideal job even if it means waiting a little bit longer. Sigh. I'm still very confused.

Eye

2010-12-14T18:40:00.001-08:00

After a lot of hesitation, I broke the news. I looked straight into his eyes and from peripheral view he was putting some food into his mouth. But this, after the longest time I looked at him straight in the face and into his eyes, and felt strong and calm. I said I'm leaving on Friday, the mother made a small remark before the topic switched. I didn't give the thank you speech, I haven't prepared for that at all. I'm just going to do it on Thursday night.

I could feel that the mother wanted to continue the topic. She commented that I finished in 4 years only, so fast. and repeated that twice. I think she wanted to bring the topic somewhere. The monster did ask if I wanna further studies, but I said no plans at the moment. After that I bowed my head back down, and pretended that conversation did not happen and it was just a normal day.

It seems the girl is prepared to sleep by herself from now on. I don't know how she's going to cope, but she has got to someday, right. Now is the time.

For several times in the past few days I wanted to ask them if they wanna go back with me. But I never did. I wanted to end this so badly but when it's coming to an end my heart softens and regrets for not treating them better...

Broken into

2010-12-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

grandma's house got broken into. Now she's worried and angry and cranky and you know, just being grandma. Phone calls every hour, she doesn't want to trouble the daughter, yet instructs her to check this and that, clean up her this and that. i don't know what she wants. if she's my mother I would just hang up on her.

little opposites

2010-12-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

they say whole is greater than the sum of its parts, but it's never always like this, isn't it? for here and now, the parts sums up making the whole so overwhelming. 4 days left, and still counting.

the little opposites of our lifestyles at home versus here. the little opposites that makes life so confusing and effortful throughout the 3 years i am here.
home/here
slippers: by the pavement/ on the pavement or in the shelf
gate: click and open/ use small gate unless necessary
glass door: closed when it's hot, open when it's cooling at night/ open when it's hot, closed by evening
sliding door: open all the way when there's people in the house/ never open all the way
guests: have them all the time, long term short term weekends or days/ never except close family
sofa pillows: sit, sleep, anything/ decorative purposes only, can hug that's all
lights: bright and white/ yellow and dim
lighting: always natural light, bright and happy/ always dark and gloomy
fan: almost always on except at night/ must turn off whenever leave room
fan speed: 1-5 depending on air conditioner or weather/ always 1
floor: dusty cooling surface to lie on/ squeaky clean surface only allowed to walk on
play: anytime anywhere/ limited time just in the room provided don't scratch the floor
study: anywhere preferred/ must in the study room
eating: anywhere downstairs except rooms/ only at the dining table
soup: everyone shares a big bowl in the middle/ everyone has individual small bowls
cutlery: spoon and optional fork/ chopsticks and scoop spoon
ice-cream: take as much as you want/ just a little bit
drinking liquid: water plain water occasionally coffee and juice/ carbonated drinks, boxed juices, fresh juices anything but water
dining chair: push in after eat/ pull out after eat
placemats: what's that?/ must have to protect table
dishes: wash in inner kitchen/ cannot wash inside
fridge: almost always spacious/ forever exploding full
titbits/ snacks: always available/ rarely
carbonated drinks: occasionally, for guests/ year long supply, for dinners
plug-points: have chargers ready 24/7/ clean from anything except the TV, telephone and computer
walls: no rules/ no touching
Guest facilities: loads of chairs, cups, cutlery/ never enough even for one more family
drinking water: filtered/ boiled
meals: have individually, if together is at the TV / have together
storeroom door: always closed/ opened
toilet seat: all pulled down/ all pulled up
heater switch: on during day time/ on when there is not enough hot water
floor cleaning: sweep/ vacuum
towels: hang in bathroom/ hang on a special towel rack
laptop: leave on table/ keep everytime used
guitar: leave on guitar rack for easy access/ kept in case in store room

at home, certain things that we need are easily accessible, like the remote control, tissue etc, but here, they are very far away. There is no tissue box in the living room, the clock is positioned in such a way that it's hard to see if you're watching the TV, the remote controls are placed beside the TV, I mean seriously what's the point to place the thing beside the TV?
Certain things I find it inconvenient are the japanese curtains at the room door, I admit that I have one in my room back home, but I rare go into that room. But here every arch has one and imagine if I have to brush my teeth I have to push through at least 2 obstacles and it sometimes is frustrating knowing how many other people are passing through that piece of cloth which is not exactly hygienic.

Thank you for

2010-12-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

letting me stay in your house
dropping me at the station whenever I need to go back
rescuing me when my car got broken into
making me feel even worse for asking you for help
trying to comfort me when my car got stolen away
giving me the pair of keys
not blaming me when i lose the keys and the security card
providing the shelter and food for free
pouring water into my shampoo
littering in my car
trusting me to drive your kids even when i'm not feeling well
all the expensive and good food
teaching me how to eat many food that I never wanted to
stuffing me
making me go on diets
not understanding me
not trying to understand me
trying to include me in the family
keeping quiet about what i did wrong
asking the kids to send a message when we're just next to each other
keeping the fan down low
changing the lights
saving my face
letting me be
taking care of me
the maid
just everything
all the 3 years i've been here

Cousins

2010-12-12T05:49:00.004-08:00

The other day when the brother was here, he spent the entire time in the room, in front of the computer screen of his, while I sat beside him quietly in front of my computer screen. I wanted to say something to him, and at times I felt that he wanted to start a conversation, yet we remained silent.

At night, he slept over at the boys' room. When I went in to exchange his blanket I saw him playing monopoly with the boys, happy like cousins should be. For a split second I was disgusted, that he was forced to play with those little creatures. But then I realized, that was how it's supposed to be. He doesn't live with them, he sees them a few times a year, and that's how ti should be, playing a game, no serious conversations, but just relax and have fun while they spend their time together as a family. I envied him, to be able to play with them. They really looked really happy.

If I wasn't to stay here, even if I know how unagreeing the parenting and the children's behavior are with the parents, it wouldn't matter if I just see them once or twice a year. After that few hours we'll part and be on our ways, I won't care if the parents a psychotic, or the kids are filthy and blameful and liars.

Lately I've been thinking a lot. How would it be if this has never happened. IT would be so much different. I wouldn't wish for a second chance, for whatever has happened has happened. Yet I wonder what will happen in the future when we meet each other. I just hope that they will not pretend that they know me that well when we see each other then.

내가 잘 아는 척하지마. 넌 날 잘 알지않아.

也许我看得钱很大

2010-12-12T05:49:00.003-08:00

我不知道我是否贪钱，我只知道我吝啬我的钱财。对于你那用到没钱了再来赚的心态让我太没有安全感了；万一发生了紧急事件的话该怎么办？我需要知道就算到了紧急关头我还是可以独立的，不必依赖别人的。

比起钱，我更渴望自由。钱可以给我自由。因为目前的我因为没有经济上的自由，事事都被束缚，我都快难过死了……我想独立，赚了的钱要养活自己养活别人。也许我活着被控制太厌倦了我想有自己的天地，不受束缚的属于我的天地。

我不懂去爱。我根本不知道什么叫爱。爱是关心吧，关心是样样都管吗？爱是聆听吧，聆听是唠叨对方么？爱是想要对方好吧，想要对方好就是逼他选择你认为对的事吗？爱是一种感受吧，怎么我对所谓爱我的人的所作所为只感到厌烦、愤怒、愧疚和懊恼？我不敢说我爱，在我知道什么叫做爱之前，我不想成为别人愤怒懊恼愧疚的原因

Lost

2010-12-12T05:49:00.001-08:00

When the whole world is concerned about the boy running about and getting lost in the mall, and trying to give him a talk to make him realize his mistake, the mother is proud of his son knowing how to borrow cellphones from strangers whenever he gets lost.

Breaking the news

2010-12-12T05:45:00.000-08:00

Breaking the news. I wanted to announce that I'm going back. Leave the thanking to another day. I wanted to do it on Friday, but the mother didn't join us for dinner. Saturday dinner the eldest aunt and uncle joined us in the cramped table, it wasn't exactly a good timing. Today is Sunday, everyone was there, and unlike usual it was quiet, yet I couldn't say it. I will do it tomorrow, hopefully.

Doggie

2010-12-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

Sounds like the kids have decided to adopt a puppy. As if hell has not broken lose, now they're getting a puppy. It was true, when the dad said that they're not matured or responsible enough to take care of another living creature, but I thought it is time that they learn some responsibility or else they'll forever soak in stupidity water.

Now I have one week to spend with the dog, and some kids who was excited about the dog. Let's hope it stays in a cage for that one week.

-----

Another thing is, I don't think there's lunch today. Growling.

Career vs family

2010-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

Auntie Joyce and grandma are discussing women's life, career or family, as of now. The grandma I know is very conservative, if you're old and unmarried, no matter how successful your career is, you're a failure. From the sound of the conversation, I thought that Aunt is open and liberal as she tells her daughter that if she wants career she'll have family problems or not get married. But as the conversation goes on, she seems to be less open than she appears.

I know people who are gender discriminative, I do not deny that there are differences between men and women, and how the society treats them, but somehow I believe I can break that, even just a little bit. I want career, but I want family too. The career is as important to me as a family. Career success is nothing without a harmonious family, and a happy family is nothing without me having a career. I need a family yet need a place of my own, a place that the society recognizes my ability and intelligence. I have the confidence to raise a good family, and a good career, but I don't know if I can do both well at the same time. That's why I try isn't it. That's what worth trying.

Dinner with so called family

2010-12-11T03:38:00.000-08:00

plClass was over when I checked my phone. There was a miscall from gramps. I called back and she told me to call the aunt to ask if I needed to fetch her from the lrt. I called but she was on the cab already. When I got back, the grandma semi complained, "pak hor lu tapi mm zai lu zao ki ta lok, bo jiap dian ua. (I tried calling you but you didn't pick up, don't know where you went)" There was a huge hint that she thinks I went having fun. I didn't want to explain, I just told her that the phone was in the bag and I left the room.

I do not appreciate this, jumping into conclusions before you even hear my side of the story. That's why I never bother to explain, because she already has her opinions of how I behave regardless of the truth. And I've let it, I've allowed her to keep on misunderstanding me because she doesn't matter. I do not need to explain to people who has their mind set. I do not need such people at all.

During dinner, the table was cramped with a gazillion people. The monster and the mother sat comfortable while the uncle and aunt cramped around with me and the baby. Obviously the uncle was not comfortable in eating in confined space, his every movement of his chopsticks would send his elbow straight to me. He didn't take the potatoes to his right, while I didnot take the vegetables to my left, for it was extremely uncomfortable. But I was thinking, if he was as uncomfortable as I am. With the setting of the table and the rules of the house under the monsters' control, I dare say he is not at ease. I could see it by the way he was not saying a thing and tried to swallow his choke and minimize the cough. So it wasn't just me. It was the house's problem isn't it, which was unwelcoming to timid un-confident people like us.

Unlike the sisters and perhaps other people who come here and make themselves at home, maybe they just pretend that they're fine and not afraid, timid people like uncle Goh and me, just shows how uncomfortable we are. I wonder if the monster and the wife can tell we're uncomfortable...

1 last week

2010-12-10T17:50:00.001-08:00

exactly 7 days from now i'll be gone.
these days i'm spending lots of at home time in the room. the peace and serenity. ah, nothing beats that, except for the afternoon sun that comes visit occasionally in these rainy season.

grandma would nag, but just for a while. i don't really mind.
I am still thinking of how to break the news. i don't wanna wait till the very last minute to do so.

this morning the baby came in to wake the girl up. yelling my gosh, as if i wasnt there. i groaned to warn him off as the mother opened the door with no consideration that it's morning and it's supposed to be quiet. that's where they learn that isn't it, inconsideration. they just walk in and out like it's their room, no respect for privacy at all, and yell and turn the world upside down even though there's someone sleeping. that's why i hate this place so much. it's like living with a bunch of morons around my neck 24/7.

The very vivid dream

2010-12-10T17:40:00.000-08:00

I was late for Play finals. I rushed into the exam hall 7.49am. There was an american lady giving a small sharing on play in front of the exam hall. weird as it was, the scene changed to charis and the lady sitting on the floor talking. I went and slipped in between them, like how we would just sit and wait on the floor for the exam to start. Then i realized i was sitting in between those 2 talking people so I wanted to move, charis was talking and laughed while slapping my thigh. weird, but weird.

anyways. after the exam i turned into a double deck tour bus driver. i wanted to park and lock up the bus, told hern to do so. in the dream he was very small sized, and rather incapable of doing the tasks. so i went to help him. while a chinese guy try to open the driver's door and pull out the ignition key. I saw it from the second deck and told hern to stop the guy. Hern rushed to the driver's seat, turn off the engine and pulled the key out. The guy then yelled and warned us that we can't park there. we were double parking on the street that looked like the front of the chinese theater in hollywood. weird enough. then the guy and his buddy came rustling into the bus and tried to take out our things. I've locked the upstairs door so I went to drive away, thinking Hern might be inside.

I can't remember the middle part, but I realized hern was missing. So was my laptop and my play notes. i went to tell mum and then i saw the chinese guy on the road looking for me, we then ran, pretending to be tourists. I even offered a girl to take a picture of her in the dark alley. Then we came to this place, with a small roof thingy like someone's wedding. But it was in the states, so it was like some fun fair. All the people there were african american. the children were line dancing under the roof while the adults are clapping and watching them happily at the side. mum saw and went to join the dance. immediately the kids started staring at her, and then the host scolded "Get the hell out of there". Then we left.

There was no vivid image after that, but I remember me thinking about the loss of the brother, the notes and the laptop. I was glad that I can get a new laptop. the notes are precious to me, but the brother is now gone forever. i felt the emotional pain all the way in the dream. it was really really painful. even after i woke up and realized it was a dream i still felt like crying. gosh it was a scary dream.

update! it's been a long time since i spill here. oh it feels so nice to be here again, free and not censored

2010-12-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

Rushing the yushu album, editting isn't exactly an easy job especially when people send different ideas and opinions and I just have to keep revising and revising and changing and changing. FYI, saving the file takes forever ok. Plus receiving orders from more than 1 person is just sad lah, dah-lah I have to listen to someone not so proficient advising me on English. then change this change that. gosh. working is hard. i wanna be my own boss dude.

YL told me to put in my name at the end of the book saying i arranged the thing. frankly i'm glad, but seriously I don't wanna put my name on that thing which i do not feel proud of. of course i'm proud that i put in all the time and effort to make it, but certain things like the messages just don't make good sense to me. it's not like i edit it all by myself, i was taking orders from people too. i don't want people asking me about why i put certain things in the book. it didn't felt like mine. it isn't supposed to be mine anyways.

anyways. the maid is PMS. big time. she's been flunking the vacuum and the doors and this and that, don't think i don't know, she's got a bigger temper than i do. last night i was so engrossed in doing the album she barged into the room and yelled at me to go for dinner. so great right.

and the girl has significantly decreased attempts in talking to me. i wonder if it's the little letter that i wrote her. i noticed that her temper has improved too, could it be because of what i wrote in that letter? I wondered if anyone has read the thing, she does put it in a very obvious location. I bet the busybody maid has read it. I don't quite care if the parents have read it though, for i think they can use some understanding, though it might be embarrassing if they come discussing me about it.

I don't know if the girl did get the message or just took it the wrong way. i did try to phrase it in such a non offending manner. anyways, i have 1 week left and that will be the end of the nonsense.

talking about nonsense, this morning the girl woke me up by talking on the phone real loud. she's usually very considerate, will say things like, "my cousin is here" "my cousin is sleeping" or whatever shit. no privacy at all, it felt like the neighbor kept watching into the room, observing every move everyone makes. eerie. anyways, then she wakes up walking loudly like an elephant, usual. opening and slamming the door, unusual. this and that lah, not that i really care if she walks like a feather or elephant, but it wakes me up.

the grandma has been really occupied with the husband, she no longer nags me or what now. not about eating, well not entirely, just not so much. perhaps she has her share reading the letter (ha that would be funny!) perhaps she's over hoarding her grandkids' freedom.

grandpa on the other hand is very much up and alive. so much more energetic than i pictured him to be, or compared to the time before he received chemo or on the first chemotherapy he's got. i guess he's going to survive. he's almost half way through the treatment and he's doing great i think. sigh. i don't know, i think i still blame them for what they did to my mum. i thought i was over it when mum said she's good, but i know there are some regrets in her life that was closely related to the parents and the parents could have done something about it.
Perhaps one day i should choose to believe that what they did was what they knew best at that point of time, but for now, i can't forgive. maybe forgiveness will come at their death. LOL. Maybe.

Play & the book

2010-12-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to respond. When he got excited and wanted to go to my house. "I wanna go to your house and play now!" he exclaimed. I'd love to, I'd love to have him over. But how can I tell him that I'm sorry he can't come because he is not welcomed?

I can't possibly imagine the cruelness and stupidity of people not wanting live into their house. My heart aches, not knowing what to do.

-----

Right in front of me, she took my book and started flipping it and reading it. I was frustrated, yet at the same time I thought about the time I took the girl's book and read it right there right in front of her. I thought reading her book that is lying there won't make any difference, because it's a book, it won't depreciate. It doesn't make much difference if it lies there or I read it. Then I couldn't be angry. The knowledge is to be shared, not hoarded just because I think the person is not asking my permission or has dirty hands. She is most probably loving the book as much as I do. Plus she's reading it right in front of me not behind my back. Of course I wouldn't eliminate the possibility of her or others using my things when I'm not around, but that's not the point now. Point is, I was at her place once, and I understood where she was coming from and suddenly, I realized...

Safety

2010-12-02T16:36:00.001-08:00

I don't feel safe. I guess there's where the stress comes from. I don't feel safe to lock the door and change my clothes. I don't feel safe to sleep at night. I don't feel safe showering. I don't feel safe at the thought that I'm living under the roof governed by a person whose rules I don't agree to be smart.

I fear that people may walk into the bathroom if I don't lock the door properly, I check the lock like a OCD person. I know that people will walk into the room in the middle of the night, wandering around, doing god knows what. I feel the chills down my neck when the eyes peer over my shoulders checking what I'm doing. I know people go through my things and I know no matter how deep I hide they'll find it, whatever that they are looking for. I hide because I don't feel safe exposing what I have, knowing that people will want them from me, with force and I wouldn't say no. I hide because I don't want you to think wrong of me.

This morning I experienced what they always do. The boy was there at the door but he was treating me like invisible. Perhaps because I refused to promise him to fetch him from his activitiy today. But he was just like me, there but not there. I wanted to get him to pass the keys to grandpa, but didn't. I figured that it takes more effort for me to talk to him than to just walk into the room and put the keys down on the table. I didn't want to talk to him. The mere sight of him makes me sick, he chubby little fingers reminds me of how much he eats and how disgustingly loud he chews at every single meal. I just went pass him. It was an ah-ha moment for me. So that's how they feel about me, being there but not wanting to help.

I started to worry. Did he learn that from me?

Love

2010-12-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

When I miss him whenever we dont see each other
When I hear his laugh in my head and it makes my day
When a phone call makes all the difference in the world
When I look forward to meeting him
When I wanna go close yet is afraid that he'll be hurt after I leave
When I wanna go close yet is afraid that I'll get hurt if he doesn't love me back
Feels joy filling me from within when he said he likes me
When I worry about him
When I worry about his health
When I feel comfort just by sharing his story with other friends
When I wanna show him off to the world
When I wanna proclaim to the world how much I like him
Is this what love is? Joy, yet fear and anxiety over the uncertainties?

Stressful

2010-12-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Stressful. That's the word that the counselor used to describe it, life at home was stressful for you, she said. I never thought of it that way, and dang she was absolutely right.

It wasn't frustrating nor difficult to follow the lifestyles of the people, it's just so different and stressful. I didn't want to be a part of them, it was stressful to survive and pretend to be like them yet strive to maintain my sanity. Yet I couldn't figure out why I was that crazy cranky over it, it drove me nuts thinking about things. But now that it's coming to an end, I've finally realized that it was all nothing but stressful. Wow.

Just like the girl, when the maid told her to go to her room to sleep because she wasn't feeling well, she told the maid, "there is someone inside!" like I was a monster or something. I don't know why she can't be in the same room as I am, really. She can just sleep quietly while I read quietly. That's what roomates do at least. Her comment was stressful to me. Was I being obsessive of the room? I couldn't figure out what was actually going on. When things happen and they are beyond my coping abilities, it was stressful.

Just like today when grandma wanted to go to Jusco I brought her there without a question. Parking was not easy and when we were walking towards the hypermarket, she asked me why I parked so far. Damn, like it was my fault. I didn't say a thing. I wasn't happy at all. When in the hypermarket she asked me why I brought her to that one, when she went to another bigger one the other day with cheaper and fresher vegetables. Then I have to drive about the kids in the full car over humps over humps over humps stressed and freaking out that the car would just bump onto the road or just run out of gas. Going out on a 2 hour trip, it stressed me out so much I was exhausted, even though I didn't do a thing except driving.

Stressful, that was the right word.

Choice

2010-11-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

I choose to be happy over the happy sleepover,
than to be mad and hurt over the fact that I came back knowing they touched and move my things around.

2010-11-21T17:10:00.001-08:00

You said, "Thank you."
I mumbled 'you're welcome' when you continued, "I love you."

For once in a very long time I looked up, from the moving hands, from the very object I passed you, into your eyes. Even just for a quick splitsecond, I looked into your eyes, and into the direction of your face.

I wanted to say, "me too." Then I thought "thanks" would be a better response. But instead, I just smiled at you. Your confession gave me a sweet surprise, as much as I would like to reply your love, I'm not sure I really do love you. I know I like you a lot, but do I love you?

I don't know what you like, I don't know what you dislike, I don't know what you do for a living, I don't know how you are as a person other than to me. I've known you all my life yet I've not known you all my life. I feel guilty. And that I've wronged you, and those who have cared for me and loved me.

I've known many people, but I've known no one, ever.
----

Everytime this happens, when you go after you come, I shed tears you never knew about.

I thought I'd be strong as this might be the very last time of this happening, in a month I'l be gone from here. But no, tears and sadness took me by surprise. I know this happens, but never quite expected it to happen at this very moment as I am celebrating the last month here.

I'm counting down to the days. Every day every second every week matters.

understanding

2010-11-20T17:10:00.000-08:00

I do not understand why. Why SiuLee DaYi wants to borrow my car to the grocer instead of driving her own. I do not understand why the kids tell me that no one can drive them to tuition when the monster is there sitting and chatting away.

Many things that I don't understand. I am not sure if I really wanna know the reason, or just prefer sulking and ranting like this in a blog that no one ever reads.

Play

2010-11-20T17:09:00.001-08:00

EeFye came and hugged my hand as I was leaving the house. It was as if he knew that I might not be coming back to play with him again. It was as if he knew, that after this he might not ever see me again.

I didn't hug back. I was afraid. I was in a hurry, that was the excuse that I told myself.

I was unsure earlier. But after that small little hug I made a promise to myself that I will go back and play again for the last time before I leave. I shall not let the boys down, for they are my friends.

gma

2010-11-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

I set my alarm to 6.45am. Snoozed it till 7.45 and woke up at 8.

I was up, but was lazy to get up. I hear footsteps and the sounds of doors creeking open and close.I hear water running at the sink. Yet no one came into the room to wake me up to go to the market.

Grandma wanted to go to the morning market 2 days ago, but I had class yesterday, so I told her I'll bring her today. Unlike usual, that I would purposely sleep in or pretend to be dead asleep when she comes in to wake me, she didn't come in. And I woke up, volunteering to be a good grandchild for once. I bathed and walked downstairs. She was in her pajamas cleaning the fridge. I asked her if she remembers that she wanted to go to the market, and she gave me that "are-you-serious-do-you-think-i'll-wait-upon-you-after-so-many-times-you've-let-me-down" look and said, "I went."

It doesn't make any sense. It's still early in the morning, the monster is still asleep, and the mother is out of town, no way she would have gotten to the market with grandpa who's no longer fit for driving. So she said that she went yesterday with the mother. Great.

So great. I volunteered myself. And this is it.

skipping class

2010-11-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

I decided to skip the class. Somehow the class has lost its oomph after the lecturer left. Plus, I never liked the idea of having people staring at me pretending to be a child. And it's too stressful and confrontational to have people rate you and tell you in the face what you have done wrong. Too scary. I guess I'm going to suck at work later on.

The maid online

2010-11-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

I saw the maid on the computer again. This time on youtube. With the baby sitting at her side. I do not know what to think about this.

Although I admit that people are catching up with technologies and respecting her as an individual she needs to learn how to surf the web and all those stuff for future employment purposes. After all she's a really intelligent person. However, from the employer's perspective (Not that I am, that's why I'm not saying anything) they are losing a lot. From the traditional employer's perspective, the more the maid knows the worse it is because she can make use of what she knows and run away or something. Let's not be so stereotypical and think that all maids want to steal your things and run away from the house. Still, it's a loss to the employer because the more time spent on non-household chores the less time is spent on household chores. She watches TV, watches the kids play games, read news papers all these and that. Now she's surfing the web. Undeniable, she works fast and precise, leaving the house spotless clean. And one day after I leave, and the family decides to go on a vacation, they can get the maid to copy the share market scores for them, since she knows how to use the internet and is pretty much literate.

Again pros and cons. But I think for the moment she's ok to use the internet weighing the pros and cons. She does her job, and takes time to learn new stuff which may be helpful to the employers and herself, why not right?

you peeked

2010-11-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

I tell myself not to mind, yet I feel your eyes and breath down my very neck. It makes the hair at the back of my neck stand.

I do mind if you're watching over my screen, hovering over my shoulder. I mind it more when you come up to me and have a discussion over what you have peeked.

the kids

2010-11-17T17:06:00.001-08:00

I miss everyone at JGC. They used to be my friends, but now as I see their pictures on my desktop, they feel like cute kids on the street, those whom I would love to adore and hug and play with yet can't.

The day

2010-11-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

After the sacrifice ceremony, after dropping the group members back, instead of driving back home, I stopped by the side of the DK and called up YY. She was home. So the 'lunch' turned out to be the entire day till 9pm.

I stayed home while she and her BF went out for lunch, then later on went to have lunch with SOoi. The 3 of us talked quite a lot I think. Then we went to KK's room. It was nice and big. And we watched "Swan princess" in the darkness. I guess that was a good way to shoo off the awkward silences until dinner.

I don't know, I've always thought the conversation would never end. But it always does, leaving everyone thinking why aren't we leaving the gathering yet.

But it was really nice seeing SO and KK again. Too bad we're not that comfortable with silences yet.

Internet revolution

2010-11-16T17:05:00.001-08:00

She asked me, how do I do since there is no internet. I calmly replied that I access it at school.

I was about to get angry at the fact that she's only asking 3 days later. But I didn't. I decided that she cared. Perhaps she was the only one who cared. I should be thankful, that someone is somehow informing me about the change of plans.

Don't want lah

2010-11-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

After class, we were walking out of the class when I greeted SQiao, who is Jaysic's boyfriend. He was waiting for her class to finish to fetch her back.
Serene said, "Life is great when there is someone waiting and chauffeuring you around."
I said, "Yup, so nice."
And she said, "Go get one yourself."
Instinctively, I replied, "Don't want lah."

Many thoughts cross my mind. No thanks to the responsibilities, fights and the baggage to carry around. I didn't tell her, for she has a boyfriend too. I didn't wanna be an anti-fan to relationships.

I knew I didn't want one, but didn't know that I was that against having one. Interesting.

bummer

2010-11-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

The fear of parking. Perhaps none shall ever understand, the fear of walking away from the building to the parking lot. Call me paranoid, but once is more than enough, and I got it twice. They say it's ok as long as I'm safe, but it's more than that and more than guilt, it's the constant fear of driving again.

-----

The baby mother in me. Tells me to stop doing whatever I'm not supposed to do. It's only a baby because it doesn't always succeed in telling me not to.

Like stop playing the game and do my korean homework.
Like stop being angry and be gracious.

-----

It was a test, and he failed it.
The boy came back from school and took a peep into my computer, and saw me playing the game. He immediately came beside and asked me about it. Less than 2 minutes later the big boy knows about it. He came asking if I can transfer it to him later. The baby came and said, "Brother wants to transfer now." I had no problem with doing it there and then.

But I wasn't willing. Though I got it for free, and I stole it from my brother's computer, I didn't wanna share it. Not through that way.
I thought they'd stop peeping into my screen. I thought he feared me to do anything rude. Obviously they know how to request for what they want immediately and into the face.
I didn't look at them in the face. I didn't want to show them my fed up face. I didn't wanna look at their shameless faces.

It was just a stupid game. I know I shouldn't be angry. I know it is nothing. But that's not the way to ask for a favor. I am hurt, over a stupid game.

When the flashdisk was plugged in, I tell myself to be gracious and share. Though they don't wanna share their internet connection with me anymore, they have shared their house and food with me over the years, I should share at least a game with them. It's free for goodness' sake. But I was very unwilling. I hated the very fact that he peeked into my screen and even asked for it.

Where is my privacy? i have no control of saying no. I'm mad because I had no control. And if being happy or mad is a choice, I choose to be mad because I'm not supposed to.

And i have the very reason to suspect that his pendrive is exploding full of viruses.

Main block culture

2010-11-15T17:04:00.001-08:00

The kids in main block is so much different from the ones at our side of the campus. There are people in flocks sitting on the floor in the middle of the corridor, not giving a shit about blocking the busy traffic (people walking up and down). There are people sitting on the table top/ sink top/ whatever you call that thing just to be close to the plug point. That's a weird thing to have in school if you ask me, but perhaps they use to have some homemaking class or something.

Point is, people at our side of the campus stares at people when they sit on the floor. Everyone is oh so proper. Well almost everyone.

Such unfortunate luck with the internet

2010-11-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

So I went to school early this morning, to check on the assignment which is due today. Parked under the great big tree, and it turned out to be a cloudy and rainy day.

As soon as I was done and sent the document out, lights went off, dim emergency lights got on. The entire underground secret tunnel was dark. It would make a perfect end of the world scene.
Anyways. the internet got cut off. Grrr. What are the odds man. I'm just glad that I did the assignment part already.

Rushing like a mad person here and there. Crazy. For some decent internet connection. That's my day. Plus I almost lost my pendrive. So great.

你懂吗

2010-11-14T20:31:00.001-08:00

我被吓得快哭的时候
我气得快抓狂的时候
我难过得想死的时候
我需要你支持的时候
你在哪里
你在那里说你懂得
我真的相信你，真的
可是你并不懂得
可惜你并不是真的懂得

脆弱的时候
崩溃中撑过来
流过的泪
忍着的气
努力挨过的冤枉
你又知道多少

这些所谓的煎熬
虽然并不算什么
但心灵的难受
并不能够拿来衡量的

外表看来永远的美丽
我们的努力
还不是努力把外表撑美而已
内涵呢
美丽的外壳和空虚的内涵
轻轻一敲打就破碎了……

我不要
我害怕
我的挣扎你懂吗

1 month

2010-11-14T20:28:00.003-08:00

Exactly one month left. 5 more weeks and that's it.
I'm psyched, anxious, happy. confused? It seems that the lady of the house knows my studies are coming to an end. however it is that she find out I do not care. I've forgotten that I need to break the news. I just kept counting down that I forgot that I haven't informed the people in the house.

But I'm glad they know already. Makes things easier for me. But I do wonder, if they haven't known, why didn't they make a new set of keys and security card for me?

Round

2010-11-14T20:28:00.001-08:00

As soon as I hop on the car, I've transformed. I'm back to the miserable old KLme. When I'm at home I don't think I will want to go back the next week, but when I'm at the house I immediately know I would want to go home that instant.

I said thank you to 3pek. With utmost sincerity and to the face. I was touched with my gesture. It felt so good.

It has always been difficult, near impossible for me to say thank you and really mean it at the moment I say it, let alone face to face. I rarely do it. But when I make myself to it, it's spontaneous and exploding with sincerity. I don't quite care if the person senses the sincerity, I know I do.

-----

Guek Toh sis said my butt is big and round. I know my butt is bigger than average, but isn't all butts round?

Internet down

2010-11-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

Looks like they've found the way to move on. The internet, has been changed to personal computer plug in type instead of the wireless thingy. They've been wanting to change for the longest time. Now they've have it. One more month for me, but that's the end for me isnt it?
I don't know, I'm quite sad now. I don't know, to request for my own internet or endure it for the last month? What say you?

I asked Jo. She's got her friend to reactive his old one for me. So touched. I shall survive this week and be done with it.

Wedding

2010-11-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm prepared for the wedding. I think people will start asking when's my turn or if i already have a boy friend. It's the perfect occasion for ~~busybodies~~ people who care about me to ask these questions. My plan? I'll just smile and shrug it off. I don't think people will take it well if I do tell them what I really think: that I don't intend to marry, and marriage is not a part of my life goals. That will just invite more questions and maybe a very heated debate.

----
Post note: Surprisingly nobody asked a thing. Nobody said a thing about the semi dress I wore. Which was great.

운전하길 이제 나한데 무엇뜻인지 모르죠?

2010-11-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

Social roles

2010-11-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Grandpa got his first chemotherapy treatment today. I expected him to be lying down or throwing up when I got back, but he looked perfectly fine. Really. *shrug*

-----

My sister loves me more than I can say. She lets me sleep on the best mattress, lets me use her new blanket and bolster, doesn't whine when I make a mess in her room or bathroom, this and that. The only exception is her golden pillow. LOL that one thing she loves more than me.

I don't know. I am very grateful, yet feel that I'm such a bad sister.

-----

I slept through the entire journey. 4 whole hours. I was really sleep at first, then I got lazy to wake up and wait for the bus to arrive.

It's something new, that Jules went to fetch me. It was nice to arrive early at home. But I don't know what to do at home this early. The internet is down, I don't see any willingness to fix it, it's been down for more than a week.

But this is going to be the last time. This is the last time I'll be taking the bus or train or anything. One more month and I'm gone back home. =)

ah vin

2010-11-09T16:32:00.001-08:00

Hin's mum added me on FB.
I thought I'd be seeing him for the last time already. Then the mother added me on FB. She had a special album just for him.

I wanted to cry. Unlike me who only sees him a few times a year, the mother really owns him, and sees him whenever she likes to. He is a wonderful boy. He's a happy boy. He's my boy. No longer.

The call

2010-11-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

I left the house at 7.25am. At about 7.45, the monster called me on the phone. He never calls me this early in the morning. I didn't want to pick up the phone as I was driving, it rang and rang and rang for a few times. It seemed urgent, to have him call me this early in the morning.

What is he up to? Does he expect me to turn back and drive his kids to school? Did he leave something important in the car? Does he want to ask if I can fetch the kids later? But he can do that later in the afternoon. Plus I already told the girl last night that I can't.

Then I started to get really worried. What if something is wrong with grandpa and he needed help? What if he has passed away? I couldn't bear thinking. Grandma was just telling the maid how grandpa didn't sleep last night and wanted to sleep more. Maybe he's dead? I got really really worried.

When I arrived in school and parked the car, I called. The monster asked if I can fetch the kids from school later. I almost crashed. The boy asked me last night if I can fetch them to school, I said no. The girl came after that asking if I can fetch them to or from school. I said no. I felt the need to shout out my schedule everyday to every single person in the house before I go to sleep.

Somehow there is no flexibility. If I say I finish at 1 or 2pm, I feel obligated to say I'll stay back till 3pm to fetch the kids. If I say I finish at 4, I should feel guilty about it. If I say I finish at a time, I can't finish earlier or later, I have to have to finish at that time. There is no flexibility, I'm tied down, to a family.

It's not that having the responsibilities of a family is bad, it's just that I'll have one later, I don't need it now.

This is not my house

2010-11-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

This is not my house.
Ever since the lost of the car and the keys and the card, this has been never my house than ever.
Due to extreme mosquitoes in the living room and study area I've seeked to hide away into the room at nights.
I do try to smile and have some eye contact and some greetings which I don't ever do, but this is not my house.

Till the end it's still not my house.

Baby the menace

2010-11-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

The baby came back. The driver aunt helped him carry his bag, like usual. He left the bag by the roadside just outside the house, and ran into the park.
Grandma was walking out. I don't want her to go get the heavy bag, yet I don't agree with me going to get the bag when it is the baby's responsibility.

I didn't go forward to help grandma to spoil the kid. It's her choice to pick up the heavy bag, and it's my choice to not want to spoil the baby.

It's my principle. I know I'm not at fault.

-----

Manners.
How it is defined? Obeying and agreeing at all cost? I'm sorry I'm Westernized in this aspect, to listen tentatively is the most I will go for menace. Agreeing and obeying all the way is no way to be polite.

Mum and the parents

2010-11-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Episodes of positive mood, brings positive outcomes.
I talked to grandma, so much more than I have talked to her in the past year. It was about anything, the food, the store, the road, the trees, the bread. It was surprisingly easy to talk to her. Though I couldn't understand most part of it, it didn't matter.

It was easier than I thought, the fact that I was merely repeating after her sentences worked well with her. I was saying something, and at the same time agreeing with her, she seemed to like it. I don't know if she noticed that I've talked to much today.

Grandpa on the other hand seemed pretty grumpy to me still. Ever since the day we went for dim sum and he growled and sighed at me, I don't know... I Just felt that he hates me that much.

Asking mum about her past, she seemed to struggle to remain calm. She chose to think that what has happened has happened, and it was her fate to be cared for by many people. I didn't ask if she wished her life was different, or if she ever wondered about hating the biological parents. I know till now that she's not calling them mum and dad, but uncle and aunt, there is still something going on in her hurt heart.

I didn't tell her how much her life has impacted me, to the extent that I possibly hold grudge to the grandparents for giving her up and live wealthily ever after.

2010-11-02T15:53:00.001-07:00

I'm loving it. It's the holiday season, I just handed in my thesis, I got the easy part of the lab report assignment, our group process project seems to be going on plan, my therapeutic play sessions are on the track. I'm going to see HohoHin tomorrow (which is already happening as you read this as I pre-typed this in the train station without internet connection). Speaking of which, the house's internet connection has died-ed at least 2 days. On Saturday it got connected for a short while, and on Sunday and Monday it just got totally wiped out. Sad case. When I have nothing better to do, I'm just glad that I still have a treasure store of movies and series. =)

Life is great at the moment. Group counseling has ended, though abruptly, it ended quite fine. Individual counseling has been put on hold, that goes with the crying and pain of self awareness and blame and more tears, until the end of the holiday season.

Gotta start applying for jobs. Cross fingers.

4th Grandpa Brother

2010-11-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

I realize, if I pay enough attention, I can tell too. He asked me of my observation of him. I said he likes to talk and is willing to share. He asked for more, I didn't give in. He appears to be optimistic, but I realize humour is is defense mechanism. One or two times his eye gazed away in sadness when he talked about death and illness, but he quickly jumps back to another topic which then he laughs at it. He likes to talk, but he doesn't listen. He asks for opinions but he already has his. He told me that they say the monster is stubborn, I told myself that he is one stubborn one too.

I can't possibly tell him those. He is an elderly, I should respect him and not talk bad about him. Plus, even if I do go frank, he would give all sorts of excuses and not listen to me. I'm not interested to argue or explain anyways.

He repeatedly telling me that every woman must know how to cook in order to keep the husband by the side. Obviously the atmosphere at the table got too awkward, the aunt asked him what his wife cooks for him. He then declared that he loves his wife because she cooks well. Not that I'm judging, is that all?

And he addressed me calling me "Zeng Xiao Jie" at the dinner table. Which the aunt gave a small burtst of laughter in sarcasm. I remember how I told him my name was KC when he thought it was Mandarin, he thought my name was "Jian Xin". Which reminds me of GenSing from JGC. But whatever, the dinner was totally awkward and I can tell the monster and the aunt thinks he eats too messily. And the maid too.
He leaves stains of gravy on the dining table cloth, which is a huge mistake in this house. But then again that tabl cloth is a stupid act in the first place, not that I'm standing on any sides.
The monster yelled at the big boy to use the common spoon to scoop the vege, which at the same time the grandpa brother was not doing, the monster just flared up.

It made me wonder, if I am the same as him, so messy and uncontrollable and uninvited. Lucky for him, he's only here for a few ~~days~~ weeks, but I'm here for years. How the monster would go firing at the kids when they do the things the monster dislike I do.
I felt guilty, for the kids could have had a happier 3 years here.

Back to him. Moments I catch him talking and ignoring other people's attempts to talk. Even his elder brother he would dispute or ignore what he has to say and go on with his story. Chronic talkativity. Gahh.

Sometimes I think he's staying here longer than he claim to because he is running away. I feel like he is running away from his house which is full of sadness and illness. His wife is terminally ill with cancer, recovering I think. But here, he can just be, eat and do nothing, talk to people who would listen to him. I think that's why he is staying here longer than he claims to. He said he would go back yesterday, but it's almost noon now and he's still here. Beats me, I'm just glad that I'm leaving for a week, and please by then let he be back home already.
-----

Surprisingly, the baby loves the grandpa brother. Like a lot. He's now making him stay even. I don't understand why, he talks to him a lot maybe. But when the baby tries to initiate conversation, the old man just ignores him. I see the baby's sad expression when he got ignored, but he still loves him all the way. Crazy combination, a big baby and a ... weirdo.

The grandpa brother

2010-10-31T05:13:00.001-07:00

What do you study in psychology?
People's behavior and the brain.

Huh psychology? You don't get to earn money from that. What are the prospects? What can you do?
HR. Many things are possible.

Somehow, I always say HR. It's not my thing but it's what the society expects of you.
Corporate. That's the way to life you know, work in a big and famous company, get promoted and years after retire. Teachers? Well it's just what suckers do. Minimal pay, maximum trouble. No name to the world.

It's funny how people will tell you that most people don't work in the field related to their studies, yet they ask you what are the prospects and expect a specific answer. Humans. That's why we study psychology you know, not because of weird people, but because of the weird people who say think and behave contradicting to each other.

-----

Then it went on into a long long conversation. From acupuncture, to my photographic memory ability, to me being quiet and ignoring people, to me being friendless, and then to acupuncture again.

He doesn't seem to quite grasp the concept of psychology, maybe 25% of it. But psychology and accupuncture is an interesting combination worth considering, not that I'm interested. However it seemed to me that the reason he brought up accupuncture was not quite the reason I thought it was. He expected me to take up accupuncturing courses and save people while spreading the gospel of psychology, and then make my name known to the world. Not absurd, not absurd, just not my kind of thing. I don't want people to speak my name, I don't want people to know my name. My goal is a small scale one. I just wanna do what makes me happy and just live a life making sure I'm happy, as well as hopefully impact on something.

He told me his observation of me over these 2 days he was here. Frankly it felt like he's been here for a week at least. He said I'm a smart girl, getting me take off my glasses and clear my hair off my forehead. He said I'm quiet, too quiet and sometimes treat other things around me as invisible. He got that right. He's got some wisdom in his speech really. He said that's the bad kind of independent. I do agree with that. He said he greets everyone, can talk to anyone, that's why he knows many people. I do envy his friends circle and his ability to make conversations and friends, but do I really wanna change?
He told me to call people when I'm going out or coming back, and during meals. It means differently to old people, he said. I understood him. It's not that it's a dumb act, it just sends the message that I care about you grandparents.

He is really observant, and frank. I almost cried in shame when he told me those. But I didn't. I bet my face flushed with redness, but I don't know if he noticed.
I don't wanna talk to people because I don't have anything to tell. I ignore people because I want them to talk to me because I don't know what to reply, and because I always listen attentively people think I'm a good listener to talk to because I don't talk back or question, I can't interrupt, or stop people from talking even if I have something else to do. I understood where he was coming from. Perhaps it wasn't his observation but grandpa and the people in the house told him. That I'm cold and distant and quiet and ignoring everything that's going on. He made the blow real soft but real in the face. He said I have to change to be more likable and have more friends. But do I want to change? Do I want to be more likable and have more friends?

I just nodded in agreement. It's not like he's said anything wrong. I just needed to figure these out by myself. I don't get why only talkative and energetic people are liked. I am liked too, but only by minority of people. I want to be me and yet liked by people.

-----

He told me to learn from the aunt. Go help out when she prepares food. I agree to him that cooking is a skill that requires a hell lot of knowledge. Then he went on saying knowing how to cook is good for my husband, I'll keep him to me not going to other people. I just smiled and didn't tell him that I don't intend to marry.

Money

2010-10-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

I talked about money. I said those with no money don't come near me. I would marry a rich guy just for his money. I would sleep with him. Even if he's old and wrinkly. Even better if he's old, he'd die in a few years and I can inherit his money.
That's what I said. Because to me right now, money is a big deal.

Money means freedom. If I have the money I would go rent a stupid room outside of this house.
Money means power. If I am financially independent, I don't have to listen to what my parents tell me to do because I'm responsible for myself.
Money means choice. I can eat cheap prepacked food everyday if I want to because it's my choice, not because I have to.
Money means everything to me now. The dresses that I want to buy. The place that I want to stay in. The food that I want to eat. The places that I would go. The tertiary education that I could have gotten. The frequency of me going out. The freedom of choice.
To me, now, money means happiness.

low point

2010-10-30T05:41:00.001-07:00

maybe it's the hormones. I don't know.
today i've dropped to the low low point. I wanted to cry for no reason, I cried a lot unstoppably during the movie. and i thought of plunging the broken glass into my wrist.

Play with Jay

2010-10-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

I went for the play today. With a stranger's kid. Ju was supposed to be there but she wasn't.
The kid was fine. I just felt that the mother wasn't really excited about it.

At the end she asked me how many kids I have experimented, played with. I said two. I didn't mind correcting her or explaining to her that it wasn't experiment. More like practice, but I didn't say anything.

I felt maybe she was not happy because I didn't greet the child well, or introduce myself. Or I say weird things, or I never really greeted her. Or I didn't talk much. The way I appeared in her life was weird, and the procedure that I made in her house was all weird. Maybe that's why she didn't like me. I wasn't sociable, that's why people don't like me.

I don't wanna try to pretend to be sociable anymore. I wanna just be.

I don't know if I can do this anymore

2010-10-30T05:05:00.000-07:00

the people are here. it's been a week and a weekend.
people are here. i pretend to be friendly, yet trying to maintain my coolness in the house.
I don't talk to people, yet i smile and react when they walk past. but now I'm tired of this conflicting role.

I'm going crazy trying to be friendly and cold at the same time. I'm not sure if i can keep doing this. 3 more days and i wanna go back already. please help me survive.

Illusion or delusion

2010-10-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

The call went on for a while. Come to eat come to eat, it's time for dinner.
After a prolonged silence I expected everyone to settle down and start eating. I went. But no, everyone is still busy or pretending to be busy doing something. I sat down at the table, right across the two old men who just began to eat. I looked at them, being very conscious of the empty spaces on both sides.

I hate meal times. We ate like a family, all squeezed up. But it didn't feel like a family. Well, half of the table was a family who were loud eaters, that I'm sure. Chomp chomp chomp chomp, the sound of food dancing in the mouth along with the saliva. The music of food being grind by the strong teeth. The rhythm of chicken shreds being chewed. Gosh it was a symphony! It was an orchestra!

We are real families, blood bonded. But it certainly didn't feel like one to me.

-----

The grandpa's brother is still here. Yup. I've lost count of the days he's here. But he doesn't talk to me, so it doesn't matter to me. He likes the baby, for he is cute and baby like, the grandpa brother really thinks he's a baby by asking, "you can eat by yourself? oh you're such a big boy don't need your mummy to feed you!" Yup, that to a 10 year old.

The grandma explained that the boy has been really independent since young, eating, bathing and all doesn't need people to help. Right. That's an ultimate lie. I've been here since he was 6. That time the maid still bathes him, feed him, dress him, you name it. It went on for a few years, excluding the feeding part.
These days he feeds himself, bathes himself, dress himself, only when people get him to do it after a gaziliion calls.

Independent no shit me.

Last Friday

2010-10-29T05:43:00.000-07:00

Last group counseling today. Like the coleader told me, I tried to say something. I didn't like it, to have to just say something for the sake of saying it, for the sake of getting marks. It sucked, I didn't feel like me at all trying to think of something to say all the time. I felt fake. But I did it anyways and I didn't like that. I wish I don't have to conform to that hypocrisy.

As the people were talking about being jealous of others having the freedom to go clubbing, wishing they have a bunch of friends to go clubbing with and procrastination and all. I expressed that I'm free, my parents trust me to go late out at night. And I make myself do things, that's why I'm ahead with my assignments. I sounded superior and perfect. That's the image that I wanted to carry with me in the group, isn't it? I don't get into stupid girlie stuff, I don't go into no dumb relationships with guys, I don't get jealous of clubbing activities, I do my assignments quickly, all those perfection that people are looking for, there I go easily expressing them. But I'm not. I'm boring, I don't have friends, I don't go out, I reject people, I have nothing better to do at home than to make myself finish my assignments. I so wanted to slap myself. I was so truthful yet so fake, so pretentious. I hated what I said.

I saw the other members go around the room shaking hands, saying thank you and stuff. I wanted to say thank you too, for I really felt grateful to everyone there. But I didn't. I'm not a saying thank you person. But I knew I should express my gratitude or else people won't know...

-----

Charis the sup is leaving the school. It's her last lecture with us today.
It's devastating, but it's not like I'm staying in the school anyways. Still, the school will be loosing a really nice lecturer. She may be blur and not quite sure of how to function the computer like a pro, but she's very nice and people oriented and smart, with attitude and is in play therapy.
She said that she rejected all the co-marking tasks but agreed to do mine. Awh so nice right. Totally appreciated that. And I didn't say a thing about it. *slap forehead*

-----

I came back, grandpa's brother is still here. I didn't greet him by his title, I forgot what to call him. But he did ask me if I took the bus back, either he has hearing difficulty or that my car engine was really quiet. =)

After gobbling down the icy cold porridge for dinner, when I was trying to drag myself up to shower, the grandpa's brother was sitting there, telling me not to wear black shirts at night because it's dangerous when I'm driving. Yeah, like I totally needed a lecture on how to wear matching colors after a long long day at school.
Mum's twin sister backed me up by saying I wore it out in the morning, and she was so right.
Then the monster decided to have a say, telling the grandpa brother that black is in style and fashion, and he (grandpa brother) doesn't know what is fashion.
What the hell man! No one would say you're mute if you don't say anything like really! What do you know about fashion Mr? Plus it's just a stupid black T-shirt, it has nothing to do with fashion no shit I just needed to run some experiments wth!
For once in many many days I decided to wear black and here you come giving me a lecture on what color I should wear? Where is the freedom of expression man? Seriously. I don't need this.

Mum's twin came joking to me how I should match black with white shorts, or wear fluorescent shirt my gosh. I made a very force smile face and went upstairs. I didn't show much mercy. Somehow I felt proud of myself for showing the true me, even though it was rude. I tried to be nice, but I don't see the point.

-----

Then mum called. So great right, all in one day.

She said grandpa's result was out today. 2nd or 3rd stage I didn't pay attention to her saying. Thing is, he is dying. Why not dying yet. I know I'm no saint thinking about his death, but still trying to think of a way to live when he's in so much pain? Who's great idea is that? Now that the entire family has come and visit him, prepare him for death, prepare his wife for death, they say they wanna see what they can do about it? Get a life people, it's not a joking manner telling people that they're dying then try to save them. I don't know.

Then she started telling me to care about them. How she was chatting with the girl and she said I never talk to her much. Mum said just treat her like my little sister, and when kids grow up they memang satu macam, so bear with it. I was really pissed ok.
First, she is not my sister. Second, I think I used to ignore my own sis throughout my entire life because I thought she and me is not of the same channel until now. She made me promise that I would do my best and talk to her and care about the people, show my compassion what not. What has stupid compassion to do with this? I feel pain and sadness that grandpa is dying. I feel the girl's pain that she is not receiving any attention in the house and she is growing up really weird but she's still functioning, she's got friends who adore her cacat american accent and grammar. so what? you discouraged me to feel and now you want me to express how i feel? what is the logic? and who are you to tell me what to do all the time? i'm an adult already. soon i'll be off earning my own money and i'll be free from your unreasonable orders.

I talked back to her: I didn't say she was satu macam, you were the one who said she's satu macam. She talks too much that's why I don't wanna entertain her everyday.
That is very true, very very true. She, who claims to understand and what not is not understanding at all. I'm treating the girl like my sister that's why I smile and not smile as I wish, be comfortable and shut her off as I wish.
the question of 'why should i'. why should I be her big sister? I'm not. why should I listen to what she has to say? I'm not her parents, her parents don't even listen to her. why should I talk to her? i have nothing to say to her. why should i? she would just think she's so close with me and talk non-stop and thinks she's my best friend just because i talk to her. i don't like having best friends, more so those wanna-bes. i don't even like her. why can't i just distance myself from her like i do with people whom i don't like? isn't it mum who teaches me to just distance myself from people i don't like but not burn the bridges? i feel like a hypocrite yet don't run away from this house full of hypocrisy, just because i wanna be a good daughter and listen to you. yea man no thanks to that.
As for the old folks, I don't know how to talk to them, I don't understand them. I just do whatever the grandma tells me to, isn't it more than enough? I never whine I never show disrespect to them, except for in my blog. Even blogging about my unhappiness has been forbidden. Where is justice and freedom of speech mate?

I wanna stay true, I just wanna be me, yet I'm so not allowed. I see the answers the counselor asked. Nope, can't feel, can't do this, can't be that, should should should should. Today during play class the therapist said one thing: emotions are there. And when it's not acknowledged it still stays there. The person still feels. If the anger is not acknowledged it internalize into depression or externalize into aggression. Something has to be done with the anger. Something has to be done with the feelings.

I'm so used to pushing them away, somehow allowing them to come up and show themselves are so difficult. So difficult. I can't even name my emotions, that's how stupid I have become. And I don't like this at all.

=...

2010-10-25T04:34:00.000-07:00

Part of me thinks that I don't wanna go close because then it would be too difficult and painful when it is time to part. I don't know. Maybe it is going to be, like with the children at the centers. I don't really know, but I always got close anyways.

-----

During the counseling I verbalize those thoughts, experience the pain that they have been giving me without me knowing. As the details and emotions are being drawn out. Deeper and deeper it went, this time it hurt so much I just stopped to just cry.

Immediately after I cover it up with my thick thick masks and become ok again. I eat and laugh and tell jokes and be happy and jolly. And never want to go venture into the deep dark hole again until next session comes.

No matter how hard I try, somehow I just manage to push all the feelings down, nowhere to be found outside the sessions.

She asked me if I want to stop after 4 sessions or go on till 6. I didn't decide, I couldn't. One part cries, "Stop stop this is so painful, stop being so cruel." the other part of me is just curious of the things that may come up, the things that I hide from myself, the things that I never knew I know.
A part of me is curious and wants more insight to all that are bothering me, another part of me wants to call it quit because it is just too much pain and too much insight on how weak I really am.

The previous counselor once told me that I'm in power when I choose whether to speak or shut up. I had the power to my information, I had total control. The current counselor said I want to be in power in my relationships because I feel powerless in most other aspects of my life. Even to the extent of being manipulative, I just want to gain control in some aspect of my life. I agree. I lack control, I'm not in control and I don't like that. That's why I don't like being told what to do, that's why I don't like people touching my things, that's why I don't like people coming into my personal space, that's why I'm so upset when I'm not in control, that's why I look forward to the future, yet at the same time I fear.

-----

Unpretentious does not equal to being true.

-----

Part of me thinks that I don't wanna go close because then it would be too difficult and painful when it is time to part. I don't know. Maybe it is going to be, like with the children at the centers. I don't really know, but I always got close anyways.

-----

I'm ok I'm ok. People care for me, it took a car go missing for me to really realize this. People do really really care. All the while I doubt them, not trust them, this and that, but they stayed true and care for me.

-----

As I tell certain stories tears overflow. I never knew how bothered I am by those things that I've repeated told people, of those I never told people. As much as I'm trying to be independent and not influenced by people I know, close or distant, people affect me more than I think they do.

Driving

2010-10-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

I drove. for the first time in a week.
I parked in mainblock. for the first time in the year, and having to pay 3 bucks later on.

driving has suddenly become a different meaning. it is a luxury of luxuries. the complicated mixed feelings of gladness, gratefulness, guilt, fear and burden and all. It didn't make me wanna cry, just really emotional. What did I do to deserve this? I can't help but think I've angered the parents, that's why she rejected my hugs.

-----

House keys. I haven't gotten a new set yet. I don't know if they know I'm graduating soon. Perhaps that's their plan, having me go about the house looking for keys that are locked up inside their rooms. And to come back without the security card, and have to bear the black face of the rude guards. I don't know. Should I just request for one, or just live with it? Just a few more weeks left. Just a few more.

His Milestones

2010-10-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

I guess it's a bit weird to say that I've missed my brother's milestones in BB. Milestones make him sound like a baby but oh well you know what it means.
he received the president's badge over the weekend. I have forgotten what it means to get that,but I do know that it is a very high recognition and very very few people gets it. Perhaps it's the highest recognition in the uniform body, I don't know. But I'm just really proud of him. It didn't came off as a surprise as I know how hard he works for it and how well deserve he is. I guess he's glad about it too. =)

hug

2010-10-24T06:53:00.001-07:00

i really appreciate nobody really bringing up the car lost topic.

I tried giving mum hugs at the mall. I felt she was rejecting it.
Back home when they were about to leave she came and hugged me, I was glad. Yet she let go after a while. I tried hugging her again but she doesn't seem to enjoy it. I don't know what to think of that.

face

2010-10-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

People say to me over meals, "Why is your face so red?"
I can't help it that my blood loves rushing to my head and have their share of the yummilicious food whenever I eat something. *shrug*

-----

I was combing my hair in front of the mirror today when I realized how fair my face looked. Weird. For a moment I forgot that I'm not tanned.

the kids

2010-10-24T05:20:00.003-07:00

The baby
- we came back from shopping. And he just expected we buy something for him. He asked Jo what food we've got for him. I don't know if the aunt has told him that there was food, or he just assumed that everyone would buy food for him whenever they go out. Thing is, the way he asked for food, it was as if we owed him. I didn't like that. Even more when he rummaged through the plastic bag and looked at the herbal eggs and expressed his dislike.

The boy
- this morning we had really nice american breakfast. Just now during dinner, after everyone has left, the big boy asked the monster, "Didn't you say that we can't take pork anymore? (There was some pork disease report on the news papers a few days ago) Aunt just bought pork ham this morning."
I don't know about you, but that sounded rude, and the father did not say a thing regarding being rude.

The girl
- i wrote a letter to her. Telling her that it's not that I don' t like her, it's just me.

... ...

2010-10-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in the living room, it's weird. I've been living here for a long time but it felt as though I haven't stepped into the living room for years.

-----

Everyone is here, pretty much. The eldest son's family, the eldest daughter, the second daughter, the third daughter's family, all in this house. Grandpa is back from the hospital, still weak and sickly.
I don't know, if they are here to cheer him on, or prepare to see him for the last few times.

Catharsis

2010-10-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

The lecturer said sometimes people are expected to release their emotions during counseling. But after that people feel pain in their body or complain of a headache. Because the locked up emotions are now coming out and they need to go somewhere.

So that explains a lot, how crying makes the head ache. But I've always thought that it has something to do with the tear duct and stuff. Or that I have repressed and force the tears back in that's why. Hmm...

-----

Today ShooCheah came up to me and told me that she will follow my car back today. I said no, I cant fetch her back today.
She asked "why? going where? not going back?"
I said no.
" what about tomorrow?"
I said no.
I didn't want to tell her.
I felt that I had to report to her where I'm going.
I know she's just caring, and she doesn't really care what I'm going to do really, she just wants to make sure that she has a ride. I said no no no but did not answer her specifically.
I don't know. I just don't like her anymore, therefore did not even help her, therefore don't feel like telling her.

I don't know why, somehow I didn't want her to know. If I just felt like not telling her I could have the news to reach her through Kath, but somehow I was worried that Kath would tell her too.

Invitation

2010-10-22T04:37:00.000-07:00

They're going to the hospital. I think.
I wasn't exactly invited. So when the girl asked me, I just said no. I know I'm not invited. and with the bad mood that the monster is in right now, hmm, better stay off trouble. =)

2010-10-22T04:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to think of this. DuaEe is here to spend the night with grandpa at the hospital. Mum's coming tomorrow, Duakim is coming tomorrow with a pretty full car. Seems like all the family members are here already.
Tonight grandpa's going to sleep in the hospital. Mum said he's doing to do the bio-psy, taking a piece of his flesh out to test. Whatever that is it is gross and scary and painful. Is he going to die this time?

I really don't know how to feel about this.

-----

During group counseling today, I told everyone that I lost my car. It's not towed away, somehow I felt bad to tell that I parked it at Jalan Kasah. Somehow I felt it is my fault to park it there. But I know that I'm not ok. I didn't lie, I just hopped over the talking and hope people would bring an end to it, and they did, jumping quickly to another person's issue.

I knew I wouldn't be ok. And I wasn't ok. I don't know.

-----

Learned about the oreo choice theory today. Totally amazing way to deal with children, and people. Every parent should be drilled on this. I would suggest some parents I know to go for the most basic human interactions courses first. But anyways. =)

The people are shouting and yelling up there. A teenager with hormones and bad-temper learned from the father isn't exactly going to live happily ever after with a unreasonable bad-tempered my-way father who is going through menopause.

When

2010-10-21T00:03:00.000-07:00

I think I'm fine now. I don't think I'm 'traumatized' anymore. I think of evil thoughts of the roommie, I crave for snacks, and gets hungry.
But I don't feel good yet. After all, something really bad has happened. I'm done mourning over it, but I'm still sad. I tried smiling at myself in the mirror, I didn't look happy to me.

----

The last time the car window got broken into, I still remember the fear of walking towards my car everyday after that. What if the window is broken into again, what if it's gone this time? It's been a year or two since the incident yet the fear still lingers, I didn't put anything precious inside anymore, no matter how low the monetary value is. Then I started to put things there again, slowly trusting, the shades, the snack bottle, the keys. Then this happened.
I guess I will hog onto my things whenever I go now.

But how long will it take for the fear of walking to my car to go away this time? Suddenly the car has become a burden instead of a pleasure. These few days I'm car free I realized how free I really am. I hop on to the bus whenever whereever, I don't have to guess if the people will make me go fetch their kids or not. I'm burden-less.

-----

Last night the monster came back. I knew it was time for interrogation. But I was prepared for it, and glad that I was emotionally way stable than Monday.
So he asked a question, I couldn't comprehend. I "huh?" and he repeated it. I still couldn't hear it clearly to comprehend. He was walking about in the kitchen, so I chose to assume that he wasn't really interested in the answer so I just kept quiet and pushed my dinner down my throat and went to do my assignment, plugged in the huge headset, to tell him that hey I'm doing some serious work so please don't come talking to me.

And that worked. Thank goodness.

2010-10-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Flu. Water bubbles on the fingers. My stomach isn't exactly that good in digesting food these days. Some days I just feel like throwing up after a meal.

-----

Regarding the car,
I'm glad that people called/ sent texts/ emailed to send their regards. No one actually said, "I'm sorry for your loss" and made me think they're fake yet. LighTing just told me she'd pray for the car to come back. JoonKeet just asked if I'm ok. KK just related to how she lost her phone. Aunt GH called just to tell me that she heard and read, and just to let me know that she's behind me supporting me all the way. Up to a certain extent I know they really do care.

I bet the neighborhood would know it soon, by the size of the mouth of the people in the house.
I bet all the people from dad's side would have known it already, this so yesterday news.
I didn't tell many friends, I don't know how to say it without drawing attention to myself and make them pity me. I don't want no pity, I just wanna move on normally. I don't know how to break the news anyways, "Hey you know what surprise my car is gone!"? I bet Yanway doesn't know it yet. I bet shoocheah don't know it either. I am not quite sure how to respond if she does text me tonight to get me to fetch her tomorrow. I just feel that I don't wanna let her know at all at all. I've predicted how she would respond in the oh-you-poor-thing-are-you-ok exaggeration, and during that she would be so loud and dramatic other people around would know too. Somehow I just don't like her anymore...

sss

2010-10-20T04:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know if she had figured it out, that I didn't actually like walking that much, I just needed it. I've been walking a lot since yesterday. Pacing helped with the messy thoughts. It's just so unsafe walking, I've just stopped being a fan of walking.

-----

it's actually very creepy when people know me.
"Oh~~~ so you're KC!"
And someone passed me my quiz papers.
Strangers, are creepy.

Time never waits

2010-10-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

I emailed the lecturer, telling her i lost the car asking her to postpone the quiz just in case i'm late.
I didn't do the things i was supposed to do last night, the assignments, the stuff. I just went to bed, for I really was really sleepy, for I really didn't feel like doing it.
But today I woke up, don't feel like doing anything either but I did, I woke up and came to school, and did my assignments and stuff. And attend the meeting.
I've been ignoring my thesis for the past few days, I've been not doing anything for the past few days, I can't afford to just lie and do nothing, life is not waiting, it's pushing me to just go. No time to mourn, no time to be sad, freaking hell just move on already.

i don't know

2010-10-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

2 days ago i called up dad. after a lot of "hello hello can you hear me? can you hear me now?" he told me he's out of the country.

I told my friend about it and the first thing she asked was, "Huh your father is out of the country and you don't know that? Why?"
"Why should I know? No one told me about it!" I replied coldly.

Really, how on earth would I know? I was really pissed then and now. I know she's really close with her dad and knows her dad's schedule like the back of her palms, but she's known me for years. Years. It just disappointed me a lot.

grampa

2010-10-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

he is really dying.
the eldest aunt is here. his eldest daughter. she doesn't really pop up here that much, she's just been here a week or two ago, so this should mean something.

I overheard their conversation. she said the doctor checked and wanted to reexamine him again to just make sure. She said this would be a pain for the dad again. she exclaimed why the need to go through all these when we already know the answer. she said he is mentally prepared. in the end they let the father decide for himself, if he wants to go through the medical check of pain again. at the end my eavesdropping the grandpa walked over to the discussion table, and they started some conversation indicating that he would start fasting from today, for the medical checkup.

the aunt asked him if he has any regrets, he said no, for his children are all ok. the aunt joked that he has gotten a good wife. he said when he leaves you (the children) take good care of your children. It's funny how the aunt can laugh about it now, maybe she's trying to hide her true feelings, I don't know. It's funny how she can openly talk to the father, as though he's really going to die soon. I wondered if he minded that.

is this why he has lightened up? he's talking to children and eating a lot as he likes. grandma is nagging him lesser these days, trying to laugh things off. When he walked pass just now, I wanted so much asking him, "are you scared?"
I know I am, scared. this is going to be so real. so real. what if he leaves now? what if he leaves during my exam? what if he leaves next year and i'm out of the country? it's not like i'm his closest person in the whole wide world but i would like to attend his funeral, or be by his bedside on his last days, if that would give comfort to him, to show that I do care, i just don't quite know how. I don't know. This is getting too real.

gramma

2010-10-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

the other day i overslept. i promised i'd bring her to the market. so in the end we rushed.
on the way i told her we would go the next day since i don't have class. she said, "you didn't tell earlier we wouldn't have to rush now." I really thought she was running out of food.

the next day i felt lazy, and thought maybe, just maybe grandpa would be in a condition good enough to drive her there, but that didn't happen. she came in and call my name softly three times and left the room. i heard but was lazy. i woke up late, she told me she didn't dare to wake me up seeing i sleeping so soundly.

today i had class. to the sound of my cellphone alarm, the teacher texted and canceled today's class. so i slept in for one more hour. the gramma asked if i have class, i said initially there was, but now no. she said, "you didn't tell earlier." this time i was really taken aback. I really did not know about having the class canceled. like usual she has jumped to the conclusion, she may have always been right about me wanting to hide things from her, but this time she is wrong.

why, the counselor asked, that i don't wanna talk to gramma regarding how much this frustrates me. i don't know. I really don't know. maybe i'm not a confrontational person. maybe i just can't pick up a fight, i just don't do debating well no matter how right i can be. maybe i'm just afraid, for i can't understand my gramma for what she says for her accent and mumbles. maybe this is going to be the end, 2 more months and that's it. maybe i am the best grandchild in the chinese community to agree to what the elders say, because it's not really hurting me. but it is hurting me.
if i were to tell mum, what would she say? i should appreciate gramma while she's around. i should do whatever she tells me to. i should learn how not to let others affect my feelings. i should practice stress and time management. so many should's, what about me now as a person and with feelings? i'm not allowed to feel, i'm not allowed to whine. i'm not allowed to feel bad. so this is the answer to the counselor's question, yes i am not allowed to feel. i'm just allowed to do what I should be doing.

feeling

2010-10-12T19:49:00.001-07:00

the counselor suggested that maybe i'm not not feeling. it's just that i choose to ignore it like many other people, for feeling is unimportant and a disgrace to express.

she told me to pause and feel the emotion whenever it comes up. shout if i'm angry, cry if i'm sad. but what, how can i do that when it's a disgrace? i can't possibly be shouting at people in the house. i've learned not to shout, and still learning how to suppress my anger, but now she's telling me to give it all out and shout and let the anger be. what should i do.

Dream

2010-10-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

I dreamed that I was getting some food/drink from the counter and spilled some. Very little some.

The next thing I knew, grandpa slipped and fell on the floor. I went over and helped him up to the chair. Then I looked at the floor, there were so many puddles of water. It was my fault.

-----

He is very sick these days. Lying down and not doing much. Grandma said he might not be sleeping well, that's why his blood pressures are low everyday, he feels dizzy. She is very worried, she would stay by him almost every moment even when he bathes.

I don't know. It seems like he wants to live now. Or is making his very last effort to be a part of the family?